Friday, 11 June 2010

Butch Boy

Something a little bit different this week – me and football. Well, I say different, I was just helping the boys out, the England squad that is, our boys. I was putting a few goal celebrations together for them; I did a few little routines and if any of our boys do one of my little jigs, or their interpretation of, when they score a goal, £1,000 goes towards providing clean water in African schools, and that’s great, isn’t it? It’s all sponsored by Coca Cola. Check it out via this link.

But of course I wasn’t going to do it quietly – why would I, why should I? I had Kate Walsh down from Live From Studio 5, putting her through her paces with a couple of the little combinations, which was great fun; she’s very cute.

But all I could see in my peripheral vision was Gordon How Hot Do You Look Smart in his white knee-length shorts (I think it’s synthetic silk they wear, isn’t it?).

I was modelling a nice pair of – well, I suppose you could almost call them batty-riders, they’d go down great in a dance hall. I wasn’t quite sure if I’d nailed it for the football look, but you know what, hey-ho!

Anyway, back to my Gordon – oh, he’s not mine at all, is he? He affectionately likes to call me Louise – I just call him GG, and no, it’s not for Gay Gordon (I wish), it’s for Gorgeous Gordon. We spent a wonderful hour together knocking out some moves, and ending up with him insisting he wanted to jump on my back for a shot. I was like, shot, darling? You’ve scored! Goal!

Anyway, after getting myself all unnecessary and overheated, I jumped straight in a cab and went over to the Sun office. My GG doesn’t only have his own spread every day in the Sun, he’s now branched out and has his own radio show, on which I was a guest. I thought it was going to be just me and GG, but no, there I was, pushed into a room with four shirts and ties, talking about hair removal and body maintenance.

Honestly, put those straight boys in a room with a gay and they wanna know why you’re looking so good – their words, not mine. So I told them how it is. You can have download it and have a listen yourself here.

We finished the radio chat and I had a little visit at the Bizarre office, where Gordon presented me with a massive horn. Mmmm. And an England flag. We had a little game of darts, a few snapshots, and that was me done – a lovely trip to the Sun.

Talking about sun, as I do, I could have done with some yesterday. So, the whole day it was looking like rain but no rain. The moment I stepped out of my car – well, it wasn’t my car at all, it wasn’t my Hyundai i10, it was one of those big Mercedes with blacked out windows and a big driver – pitter patter, pitter patter, bigger pitter patters, bigger pitter patters, now it was pissing down.

Where was I, you’re asking? I was at Top Gear, watching the track getting wetter and wetter. Shit! How was I going to be the Top Queer in those conditions - the fact that my outfit was getting ruined in the rain was bad enough. Not too far in the distance I saw a gazebo – is that what you call them? Or is that just a posh word for a tent? Anyway, I made a bee-line straight for it, where the lads were. Peter Jones - you know, the very tall one. Honestly, I had my neck aching, I had to keep looking up so far; the gerbil, or is it the hamster? I’m not sure; and Bill Bailey.

For some reason, as I made my approach, Jeremy Clarkson made his escape. He wanted to play cat and dog again, like we did on Jonathon Ross. Now, I’m not going to spoil my Top Gear moment – well, actually, there was more than one moment, there were moments. I’m going to let you see it when it’s aired on June 27, and decide for yourself if I’m the Top Queer.

All I’m going to say is that I was spectacular! I did spin off the track a couple of times, and the Stig did ask me if I was frightened, because we were going so fast; and no, I wasn’t - I was just doing some lovely off-track choreography. I did nearly kill a cameraman, but hey! Boys and toys!

Now, about me! Don’t worry, don’t believe all you read. I’m exclusive to no-one, apart from my husband, that is. And as for being handcuffed, they’d have to be more than golden, darling; they’d have to be diamond-encrusted. To all my beautiful Twitterers and Facebookers, Pineapple will still be involved in the new show, and no, I’m not opening a rival dance school; so no need to worry.

Just think of the new show as an extension of what you’ve already seen. It’s going to be fabulous, bigger and better. And don’t we all love things that grow? I do!

Friday, 4 June 2010

Morning, Noon and Night

Well I’m sprayed up and ready to go - Factor 30 all the way. I’m not burning in this mini heatwave like I did in the last one. Now, I don’t need to be a weather man (or wo-man) to tell ya this ain’t gonna last, so make the most of it. I’ve got my G-String to hand this week – picture to follow next week.

What’s been going on? There’s always something going on – it really is non-stop. But my life has always been non-stop, so it’s not really anything new for. And I’m like a chameleon; I can be whatever colour you want, for whatever occasion. And on Sunday I was pink and fluffy on the inside, sporting blue and white stripes on the outside, for my trip to Legally Blonde, which I treated my gorgeous husband to, as he hadn’t seen it. I had seen it of course, because I was there at opening night.

As you know, I’m not one to name drop, Emma (Bunton), Kylie (Minogue), Kate (Moss), Pixie (Lott) - she’s coming later, I’ll tell you all about Pixie – of course, I’m good friends with Sheridan (Smith) and Duncan (James). For those of you who don’t know, they are the stars of Legally Blonde, the musical. I like to keep a varied group of friends, from West End to Wembley – you know me, I don’t discriminate; from counts to council (I did say counts, didn’t I? I do know a few of the others as well, but hey.)

And what a show! I enjoyed it as much the second time as I did the first time round. Not just because, as I said, I’m good friends with people in it (Sheridan and Duncan). Ooh, I forgot to tell you - so, we’re sitting there, husband and me, and I always get an aisle seat because I have a bladder like a pea – I went to the loo four times in the first half. I’ve had my prostate checked, so it’s not that. You see, I’ve got private medical insurance, so when I go to the doctor’s I don’t bother with the GP, I just say send me private to a specialist. It costs me £800 a year – I know what you’re thinking, more money than sense, just because he’s famous. I’m a bit hesitant about using this word famous, remember last week I used it a bit too soon, it came back and kicked me right in the rear? Let’s see if I can keep it in for the rest of this blog. Keep what in, I hear you ask? The word ‘famous’.

My point about private medical insurance is I’ve always had it. I believe it’s an investment in my hypochondria, which I’ve had from a very young age, due to Pat, my mum. She would take us all to the doctor’s, me and my three sisters that is, when only one of us was ill. I mean, they say nature or nurture about being gay, well at twelve when I went to the doctor’s with my three sisters - as we always did, to get diagnosed for something we didn’t have but my mum was convinced we had – I thought I had ovaries and a womb and was going to start my period. Imagine that at twelve, when my balls had only just dropped, and I was firing blanks but still giving it a good go.

Hold on, it’s Caleb calling me. I’ve mentioned Caleb before haven’t I? Haven’t I? He’s my work colleague. Hold on a second, I just need to see what he wants… I’m back, sorry about that. Oh, actually, thank Kylie (not God anymore) he did stop me! I’ve totally digressed here, haven’t I, into my medical history, which is none of your business.

Back to Legally Blonde - in between the toilet breaks, can you believe it, I had them queuing down the aisles for autographs. I felt quite bad, signing across Sheridan’s picture on a £7 programme, but I had no choice; I didn’t have any photographs from Snappy Snaps on me – why would I?

Amazing, amazing, amazing! Well worth the money, Legally Blonde is a real good family show – Duncan is wonderful, charming and handsome, but the star of the show is Sheridan. She is just so believable; apart from having a great voice (and great tits as well, as you can see here, I do know at first hand).

Her acting is just award-worthy. If she doesn’t get one for her performance then I’m taking musical theatre out of my vocabulary.

So that was Sunday - Monday, nothing to report, I didn’t leave the house all day. It was a bank holiday, that’s what you do, isn’t it? You either spend the day with your family or do nothing, so it was nothing for me – I didn’t even scrape my tongue or floss my teeth. I know it’s hard to believe.

On Tuesday I couldn’t wait to get back to Pineapple. I bumped into Pixie (Lott), who was rehearsing for her performance on Britain’s Got Talent on Wednesday, where I was also going to be doing Britain’s Got More Talent.

Debbie (Moore) had arrived back from France, it was great to see her, as always, and catch up. Then we had a lovely dinner in the evening to celebrate her birthday, at The Ivy, of course.

Just to let you all know, this isn’t the same top that I wore to Legally Blonde on Sunday, this is short sleeved, and £2.50 from H&M.

Wednesday, I got picked up at 5.30 to get to Wembley, where they film Britain’s Got Talent and Britain’s Got More Talent. Come dressed, they said, so I did. They didn’t tell me I was going to watch the show in some badly decorated room sitting on a brown draylon and pleather sofa (if you could even call it a sofa).

By the time I got to do BGMT I was screwed up like a bit of old rag, and it wasn’t a cheap shirt, it was All Saints, which is much more expensive than Top Man (that I still haven’t got anything free from). But I did get to meet some of the contestants, which was fun.

The dance group Starburst were very sweet, and were asked who their idol was and who they would most aspire to be like – and they said me! Oh, how sweet! I didn’t like to shatter their dreams and tell them they’ve got no chance – not unless they’ve all got a mum like mine, and they’re made to believe they’ve got body parts they haven’t got, if you know what I mean. I don’t think they’re going to grow up to be gay men with loose legs and a lisp.

Anymahoot! I also met the drag artist who thought he was Madonna. Darling, he needed to think again, and again, and again. I don’t know about hung up, but he looked as if he had been dug up.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, apart from the brown draylon and pleather sofa that I had to sit on for four hours, screwing up my expensive shirt (from All Saints – maybe they’ll give me something free – All Saints All Saints All Saints). When I first arrived, the VIP area for the BGMT guests was the back end of a conservatory with some nasty blue crushed velvet curtains draped everywhere and over what I’m sure was a piss-stained sofa, I could smell it. I think they must hold the OAPs pottery class there or something, one day a week, in the ‘flu season - one cough for incontinence.

What I’m trying to get across to you guys is that it’s not glamorous, it’s work. I had a gay rosé, a bowl of potato wedges, cottage pie and peas - just how I like it, in fact.

I don’t like it all posh and la de da – I could have done without the smell of old piss. I would have Febreezed it myself, you know the spray one you can get now? I love it. (Ooh, Febreeze commercial?) I know JedWard have just done the Shake’n’Vac - they were there too. They did make me laugh, they are funny - not intentionally funny, of course.

I didn’t get out of there until midnight, and it was an early start for Lorraine Kelly. But it wasn’t Lorraine at all, it was my gorgeous Emma (Bunton), standing in for her for a week. So, of course, I got myself on. I did beauty tips, well, my beauty tips – it was all about the olive oil and eyelash curlers, you all know - I don’t need to go into detail with you lot, do I?

Then we joined Jade (Jones) in the kitchen, who did an amazing cous cous, honestly, it tasted so good, with salmon, which I didn’t go near, I don’t like fish. We had a real laugh, it was really good fun. I think I do worry the producers, of most of these shows I go on actually, I don’t know why. But hey, what can I say? It is all about fun, fun, fun, isn’t it?

It was an early night for me Thursday, what with a late one Wednesday night, after BGMT, and an early one Thursday at GMTV, with Lorraine who wasn’t Lorraine, it was Emma. Even I, with boundless energy, need to recharge. And here we are today, and what a day - the sun is shining, again.

Ooh, and while I’m on about the Sun, I just want to let Gordon know that I’m all signed up; I did it yesterday about 6 o’clock. And you can call me Louise whenever you like, Gordon. I’m taking it as a sign of affection; I’m hoping it is, because I think I’m getting a soft spot for you.

I’m going to stop there, I’m married – such a cute smile he’s got, isn’t it, Gordon, that is? You can smell his freshness – it’s like Febreeze! (I’m still trying to work on that commercial idea.)

Oh, and one other thing, Top Man and All Saints, any freebies, just contact my agent.

I’m off to the sun, and I don’t mean Gordon.

Arrivederci xxx