Sunny Monday morn'

What a beautiful start to the week! The sun is shining, I'm smiling, it makes me feel that good that I nearly fell into the splits at 8.30am, getting my instant golden syrup flavoured porridge from M and S. But hold up, wait a minute! Let's back up to last week!

Thursday morning, bright and breezy, lemon squeezy, all tits out, me and Matthew Wright. What more can I say? For those of you who were watching, I'm sure you could see how inspired he was by my low-cut v's! I gave him the bottle green one, I thought it matched his purple suit on the day. That was it - as soon as he slipped into it he couldn't stop telling me about his musical theatre escapades in his early twenties.

That's the thing, you see, when you've got it, they all want a bit! He couldn't get enough of me, a push and a shove it could have been me being his new civil partner, as he mentioned he was just entering into one. But I'm not interested, I did mine two years ago - I've got a lovely Spaniard!

I was made to feel very welcome, but I must say I was nervous about reading from the papers. It's my stage school education; we weren't interested in academics, we just wanted to sing and dance!

What happens with me you see, when I get nervous, is trapped wind! It's quite difficult sitting there for an hour and a half when it feels like you've got the dancers from the Lido doing the can-can in your stomach.

Honestly, when I left that studio I didn't need the chauffeur driven Mercedes with blacked out windows (stop me already if I'm sounding like a wanker, but I did love it!) All I needed to do was release the fart and I could have ended up in L.A. instead of the BBC studios, where I was taken straight down to my very plush dressing room, with en-suite, may I add! Honestly, it was bigger than my housing association flat!

We ran through the script for the things I needed to do. Oh, I haven't told you, this is Harry Hill now darlings, come on, keep up! For those of you who watched my debut with the fabulous Harry Hill, I sang my way around the West End of London, ending with a rap about Croydon. I think I was inspired by the residue of Jay Z, who was the previous occupant of my dressing room. I thought I was pretty ghetto fabulous, don't you?! I said to Harry, all we need now is Kate Moss, whack her in the video and we've got a number 1 single!

Because I am on first name terms with people like Harry now you see, like I'm sure I would be with Jonathan Ross if I went on his show, he would just be Jonny, or J, but I'm not going on his show. With our speech impediments we'd just end up spitting at each other all the time.

Mind you, he is leaving the Beeb, isn't he? They'll most likely ask me to do his job, you know, like for like. I know his impediment is a 'w' and mine is a 's' but it's still a speech impediment, isn't it? But I can't, I'm far too busy - I'm on reception at Pineapple. I can't be everywhere, can I? Let's just quickly jump to Friday, Angela and Friends.

Some friend she is, she weren't even there! She was in L.A. doing the Oscars! I didn't mind, I got to sit on the sofa with Jeremy Edwards, so cute, and he smelled lovely! And, yes, I fell into the splits again! Someone stop me! I'm jumping straight to Friday night now.

Around 6.30pm, I met up with my oldest friend Carmine; some of you may know him as Jake Canuso, the sexy Spanish waiter in the hit ITV show Benidorm, which is written by another good friend of mine, Derren Litten. Derren also did all the best Catherine Tate sketches. Ooh, am I name dropping? Leaving Carmine, who went on to the theatre, I then met another good friend of mine, Emma.

Did I mention that she's my best friend, Emma Bunton, Spice Girl? Why wouldn't she be, when she buys me a Rolex and a diamond-studded Cartier bracelet? I'm not complaining! No, apart from the lavish gifts (oh, did I mention the holidays to the Bahamas?) she is one of the most genuine and beautiful people with a big heart. But don't cross her! She won't forget, so I don't (and I'm sure the gifts would stop coming).

She bought me one rosé too many and left me stumbling across Waterloo bridge making my way home, where it was a toasted cheese and pickle sandwich and straight to bed for me.

Saturday and Sunday I didn't really do much apart from watch myself on Harry Hill on Saturday, watch myself on Pineapple Dance Studios on Sunday, and then caught myself again on Harry Hill straight after. Not that I was watching the repeat for me, there was just nothing else on. It's got to be better than Songs of Praise, hasn't it?

Anyway, listen, love you and leave you. I am doing a reality show! I'm just off to keep it real. Look out kids! We've only just got started!

What a week so far!

What a week so far! Everyone wants a piece of me now, don't they (not that I mind)!

I don't know if I find it fascinating or not, that everyone is so intrigued with the everyday goings on in my world!

It does make me smile that we are reaching the masses and such a diverse audience, from plumbers to public school boys, prostitutes to prima ballerinas.

As you all know, I don't discriminate against anyone or anything. I believe this leads to a much more exciting life and a better conversation.

You could take me anywhere and I'd just slip in unnoticed, as I'm sure you can all imagine.

For example, this week I've got The Wright Stuff on Thursday morning, which will be featuring a low cut V-neck tee - I've been doing extra work on the cleavage. And if you've got it, like I say, flaunt it! Then, straight on to Harry Hill, and who knows what he'll want to do with me? I know he enjoyed getting his legs over his head on last's week show. Maybe he needs me to show him something a little bit more in-depth. How deep he wants to go is entirely up to him. I'm not going to question!

Then Friday I'm off to A&F (that's an abbreviation of Angela and Friends, for those of you who don't know). I only met her the once, but now I'm her best friend. I'm like that me, people just warm to me, I don't know what it is! Same with Denise van Outen (my nbf) - can't do a tweet without her being on reply. Not that I mind though, I'm more than happy. I do love a blonde with a good sense of humour, and she certainly has that. See, it's another Essex girl. Not that I originate from Essex, it's actually North London, Enfield. It's just that Pat and John moved (that's my Mum and Dad) to Essex when I was four, because they were offered a three bedroom, all double glazed and patio doors at the back. They couldn't refuse, considering we were in a maisonette with one bedroom and four kids, on the back of a railway track. Why wouldn't they take it up?

Right, stop, gotta go! I've got a camera in my face, because I'm doing a reality show. It's all real, none of it's fake! I've got to go and meet and greet. It's not the Sugababes today, nor Beyoncé, not a Spice Girl in sight. And as for Enrique Iglesias I can smell him coming a mile off. As I said, we don't discriminate - it's the Cheeky Girls and David Van Day.

They must be shooting a real-life Most Haunted somewhere. I'll let you know!





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