Running Ragged

Now, I know when I left you I said things should be running more regularly, but they’re not. They’re just not! Nothing seems regular any more – you could set your watch by me being so punctual at dropping the kids off every morning at the pool. When I say I haven’t got time to shit, I mean it; but I’m not complaining.

So where are we? I left you at Jonathon, didn’t I, spraying his set with my scent. After that, I had a lovely weekend with my husband; we didn’t do anything, oh, apart from trying to get my wardrobe sorted. This is the thing you see, I learned from Miss Bunton – you can never wear the same outfit twice, not if you’re on TV. Someone will pick up on it, and I’m not having that.

Hence my shopping trips, my very big shopping trips, to Top Man and Hennes. Now listen, is that a blatant plug? Yes, it is, and I’ll tell you why! One thing I learned from Pat, my mum, is to get some discount or for nothing if you can. Actually, when we were kids we would go to every wedding with the tags still in, because every item of clothing would go straight back for that money back guarantee with the receipt.

So if anyone from these stores reads my blog, can I have some stuff for free please? Yes, my popularity seems to be rising, but I am most definitely not rich. And I spent £500 in Top Man – don’t get me wrong, they did give me a 15% discount – but free would be better, thanks!

Moving on: Monday morning, Lorraine Kelly - well, I’m loving her! But, to tell the truth, I was more excited about getting a sniff of Ben Shepherd, after I saw him running around that football pitch with his Calvin Kleins for some charity thing. He’d make me always want to rise early in the morning to watch him, if you know what I mean. Well, I got more than a sniff; when he came out of the studio he made a beeline straight for me, telling me how he loves the show and how funny I am. All I was thinking about was those solid thighs under that well-tailored suit. We took a photo together, where I got closer than I needed to, but hey, I’m never one to miss an opportunity! Oh, and another thing; I can’t believe Ben is leaving, and Adrian Chiles is coming in! Well, I suppose it means I’ll be sleeping in, in the mornings. I won’t be rising for that one!



Back to Lorraine, I had a wonderful interview with her – well, she didn’t really get a word in. Like I said before, I’m a morning person; I’m good in the mornings. There was one thing I wasn’t happy with though. As I’m sure all GMTV viewers have noticed, they’ve had a revamp in the last few months, and changed their colour scheme. There’s quite a lot of orange, actually. Well, I say orange, her rug was filthy! I would say it was more brown than orange. There were crisps on it, dirty old footprints, tea stains, and Christ knows what else. Kim and Aggie would have had a field day. I mentioned it to her; I said, you need to sort your rug out Lorraine. So next time I go on, I’m sure I could keep myself busy on my hands and knees the whole show, just cleaning her rug. Because she said she wanted me back, not just for one of those quick five minutes, she said for the whole show. So that’s Lorraine and her dirty rug.

Monday evening, shirt, starched and pressed, and cardigan on, off to ‘This Week’ for my political debut. I wasn’t really bothered about it, I can hold my own; until I sat in the Green Room when I arrived and was introduced to Will Self. Now, I know Will; well, not personally, but because I am an avid viewer of ‘Question Time’ on Thursday nights, and then I follow through to ‘This Week’.

Incidentally, I must say, I wasn’t on with Dianne Abbott, and I’m quite glad that I wasn’t. I mean, she seems a lovely woman, but I don’t know if I could cope with her constantly closing her eyes and looking up to the ceiling when she talks. She’d make me think I hadn’t got the right outfit on, or something.

Anyway, back to Will; so, I’m sitting there and he’s in conversation, not with me. Well, he’s going on about – I don’t know what he was going on about; the words he was using! I’m sure you couldn’t fit them in the alphabet. I did have the urge to go 5, 6, 7, 8, and do a jump split, to try and match him, but I thought, no, there’s a time and a place, and this wasn’t it.

The truth of it is, it’s always the time, but the room was that small, and Will Self is about 7 foot 10. ‘Mr Spence, we’re ready for you now in the studio!’ In my mind I was thinking, are you, are you really? Before you could say flick, ball, change, I was on their very hard sofa, talking politics. Get a load of me, telling Ken Livingstone and Michael Portillo who I think should run the country, and why! If you want to see me being sort of serious, you can watch it on iPlayer – just fast forward to me, it’s the best bit of the show, I think. (Well, I would, wouldn’t I?) I’m near the end.

It’s non-stop. Tuesday, I filmed my lastminute.com commercial, which was quite an experience, may I add. It was all filmed secretly, and I was jumping out on people, terrorising them with high kicks and pirouettes. I was at Waterloo, Clapham Junction, Dirty Dancing, down a pissy alley with the Avenue Q puppets. And I almost got arrested for jumping in the fountain at Trafalgar Square, where, may I add, the security called the police.




I had to run through Trafalgar Square, sopping wet, to the Trafalgar Hotel, which is very nice. Well, the toilets are very nice, because that’s where I ended up waiting for someone to bring me dry clothes. And waiting, and waiting. Yes, ten minutes I was waiting, standing naked in a public loo; and can you all take into consideration that I am a so-called celebrity now. I think not! I haven’t seen many celebrities standing there cupping their cock and balls in a public loo when I’ve gone for a piss. Have you?

Wednesday. I don’t mean to make this blog sound like diary entries of the week, but I’m not going to lie to you all, I’m short on time. So, yeah I am doing it like a diary, so just deal with it. Maybe you can, it’s just me, I know - I don’t like to rush things. Typical, isn’t it? I’m talking about not having time, and I’m wasting my time telling you I haven’t got time. Hang on; I just want to get Caleb to slap me. Great, I’m slapped, and I’m back on track.

One thing to say - Google. Yes, I got invited to Google. The Queen has been, you know. No, I know you’re all thinking, we know you’ve been; no, I mean the real HRH, mother of Charles and Andrew, and that cob. Well, she doesn’t look like a thoroughbred, does she? Anyway, it was amazing! They were telling me what my demographics are. Oh, I know! Apparently I’m 49/51, (that’s men and women, who are logging in to me. Did I say in to me? I meant on to me), and many other things.

There was a lovely geek there, his words, not mine - Chewy. I don’t know, there’s something quite sexy, isn’t there, about intelligence. Anything I need, I can chomp on Chewy, and I will.

MTV – Yes, I got my own show! No, don’t get excited; well, it is my own show, but it’s only a one-off. I had a fun day filming with a very MTV crew. I’m not going to tell you anymore about this. Like I said, I’m on a tight schedule - tighter than my butt cheeks were in ’89. And they were tight in ’89, all that ballet training, I’m telling you. Crack walnuts? I could have done a coconut.



The MTV show is called ‘Louie’s Just Dance’, and it will be on Saturday 15th May at 4pm on VH1 and Sunday 16th May at 11am on Viva. So do watch, let me know what you think. I had fun!



I’m now on Monday – yes, thanks, I had a great weekend - off to ITV to watch An Audience with Michael Bublé. I’ve watched Michael Bublé – he was bloody fantastic, I’m sorry. No, I’m not sorry at all. No going back and forth, no ‘can we go back and do this again’, a true professional and a real showman. He actually made my groin twinge. He didn’t come back to the after show party, but I was mingling with them all. Check out the pics. I don’t need to name them, from the Nolans through to the Willoughby.

Talking of Willoughby, I can’t get away from her on the circuit at the moment. I saw her at the press night of Sweet Charity with the gorgeous Tamsin Outhwaite, who was fabulous, may I add. And you can’t beat Stephen Mear for choreography; if you want to see a bit of real musical theatre, I suggest you go and see this, sweet, Sweet Charity.





Oh, there goes my phone - it’s my car. Oh yes, I get sent cars! I’m off to Attitude’s Sweet 16 birthday. It should be fun, full of gorgeous gays and girls. I’ll let you know how it goes in the next blog.

Toodle-oo. Toodle-oo! Toodle-oo then! X