Shut Up and Drive!

Don't you just hate it when you get in a taxi (well actually, when I say Taxi, I no longer have taxis, I have drivers) and they just start to talk about a pile of old crap that you really don't give a shit about? All you want do is tell them to shut up. Sorry, I was in the car, if you're wondering where this is coming from, on my way to Attitude's Sweet 16 party. Remember, this is where I left you last time; I was just about to get in the car.

I wish I'd walked. I mean, I can talk, but this driver was taking the piss. Now, I know I'm swearing, and this can show a lack of vocabulary, but sometimes, it's so much easier just to get your point across, don't you think? And if you don't, I don't give a f***.

And as all of you know, who read my blog, there’s nothing wrong with my vocabulary. It’s like my legs, fluid and wide, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. If you don’t, get with it.

So, after I had my ears chewed off, I arrived at the Mayfair Hotel, stepped out of the car, and all I can say is, thank God I’m not epileptic. Flash, flash, flash!!! Now, I can normally give a pose for each flash, but even for me, taking on about twenty at once, even after a coca cola, would have been a push.

Louie! Over here! Louie! Up here! Louie! Down here! Honestly, I thought I’d entered some ‘70’s porn movie. Give it to me! Spread your legs! I mean, really, the things they asked me to do. Well, yes, I couldn’t help myself, I did it. I was to the left, I was to the right, I spread my legs. It’s the dancer in me, you see, it’s just like being choreographed – I’m just quick at taking direction, what can I say? So I gave them what they wanted, and don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun too.

I mean, what’s the point of not having a laugh with it all, rather than stepping out with a stony face like you’ve been sprayed in starch from head to toe? When you know all of those *celebrities* just want to let rip; because they certainly do once they’re inside! Moving on in, it was a lovely do, beautiful people, all having fun. I was there two minutes and who do I bump into? The Jed and the Ward. I couldn’t tell you which one was Jed and which one was Ward, but I don’t think they can either, so I didn’t worry myself about it. I gave them a quick shake and moved on to Paloma Faith and had a brief chat with her. And sometimes it only needs to be brief and you know you’re going to like someone, and I know I’m going to like Paloma. She seemed like a girl who knows how to have a good time and not take life too seriously.

Apparently Kerry Katona was in there, but I didn’t see her. She was most probably sorting out the buffet from Iceland. She doesn’t look like she’s eating it any more, does she? From what I see, she’s in a slim stage at the moment, and it’s not even Christmas yet. That’s when they normally do it, isn’t it, the slim down, in conjunction with the DVD, Getting fit, Not Fat. Then, come February, they normally all pile it straight back on again. See, it’s about consistency and maintenance; I’ll let you know about it when I release my DVD, around Christmas time. One thing I can assure you of, I’ll be looking the same in February, March, April, and right through to my next DVD, the year after. I mean, come on, if this lot can do it, then I certainly can. And I will.

Anyway, so I was there about two hours. Not being a drinker, you notice it when people start to dribble on you - that’s my cue to leave. I was in a very expensive £30 Top Man jumper, although, as I was squeezing my way through the crowd to make my exit, someone asked me if it was vintage Vivienne Westwood. I replied no, it’s Top Man, it’s just the way I wear it, darling.

But hold on, I can’t move any further. There’s this big old boof bang, all 6 foot at least 5 of it, which I can’t get over or around. So I just go straight into it. And when I say it, the ‘it’ was that gorgeous hunk of a man, Gareth Thomas, the gay rugby player. I had a quick chat with him about how I’d like to enter his scrum, then it was straight up the stairs, with a quick wave to Adam Lambert, as though I knew him, even though we’ve never met; it was just fun to do. I’ve noticed a lot of people doing that to me now, the wave, like they know me but haven’t got the time. Coat from coat check, a kiss and a cuddle and a high kick with Duncan James on the way out, Flash Flash Flash (that’s the paps), into cab, Flash Flash Flash Flash Flash – honestly, there’s no stopping them, they are naughty. And that’s the Attitude party, done.

Now, I know you’re all asking yourself, where do I know that voice from? Oh, now, who is it? Or maybe you’re not. No, you’re most probably not – because one thing everyone seems to recognize is my voice. Who would have thought that this voice of mine would be selling mags? Do I need to Reveal all? I don’t think I do, do I? Of course I don’t, you all know it’s my voice on the Reveal magazine commercials. Well, if you don’t, you do now, and I’m going to be there for the next year. Ker-ching!

And believe me, I need a bit of Ker-ching, with all of these that events I’m going to. And, may I add, I’m still only getting 15% discount at Top Man! Come on, I really do think I deserve a suit for free. I know some of you are thinking that I’m getting loads of Ker-ching, but I’m not yet. I’m ker-ching-ing, but I’m not Ker-CHING-ing, if you know what I mean. But even if I was, I would still want something for free if I could get it, and I don’t just think it’s the council in me. I think we all like something for nothing, don’t we?

Talking of events, my next one was the National Soap Awards, where I presented an award to the Best Newcomer. I did want to say my name when I opened the envelope, but then I remembered that I wasn’t in a soap. Well, who knows, I could be now! It was so much fun, in my Top Man suit. Fuck me; if I don’t get something from them, I’m going straight to Primark.

There were so many people there; I had a little photo opportunity with David Hayes. Honestly, his fist is enormous, I couldn’t fit it in - I did try.

Anyway, I gave up and decided I looked much better with a Pussy.

Mind you, I don’t look bad with Goldie either, do I?

Sorry, I’m no longer at the Soap Awards, I’m at the Sony Radio Awards, presenting another award. I think I frightened the life out of Chris Evans, when I did a flat back over and rubbed myself up his thigh. Chris was hosting the whole evening, but I couldn’t help myself, they shouldn’t give me intro music, it just gets me going. Anyway, it was a three course meal at the Grosvenor Hotel, full of a lot of radio people. And if you have trouble putting a name to faces, try putting a name to voices. Well there were a couple of faces I recognized, like the gorgeous Dermot, who I had a quick little chat with and sat on his knee, ‘cos I can now. Well, if I can’t, I did.

And on that note, I’m going to get my face pack on to try and make myself as beautiful as poss for those Loose Women tomorrow. You may receive this blog before or after I’m on with the girls, I’ve got a tight schedule.

Loving you all, and all love yourselves.

XXX