My Head Is In A Spin!

As Kelly Marie sang in her '80's hit, my head is in a spin, my feet don't touch the ground. And there have been so many people near to me my head is going round and round, my knees are shaking, my heart is beating like a drum! Boom Boom! Boom Boom!

In fact it almost exploded (my heart, that is) when I was sprawled across the Saracens scrum on Tuesday morning. I said scrum, although I was swimming in ecstasy! Actually I was quite prepared to let myself drown. They were a burly bunch of public school boys with buns of steel and thighs you couldn't wrap your arms around. And believe me, I tried.

Sorry, let me keep you in the loop, I'm getting far too carried away with myself. It's the Saracens I'm talking about; they are a professional rugby team in St. Albans. This is the photo shoot for Heat magazine, my four page spread, which I believe will be out on 30th March. Don't miss it, believe me, it's hot! It was well worth the hour and a half car journey up there. I'd recommend it to anyone!

Oh, by the way, I had a fabulous audition for my feature film. Well, it's not my feature film, it is Mandy Moore and Martin Freeman who are the stars, but I got the part! Can you believe it? Honestly, I can't! Admittedly they were looking for someone quite flamboyant (gay), so maybe it wasn't down to my acting skills at all. But I don't care! I'll be high kicking and back flipping all the way down the red carpet at the premier.

That was on Monday - I know my days aren't in order on this blog, but like I said, Kelly Marrrrrie! Let's try and get my days in order.
Wednesday: Alan Titchmarsh (who I kept referring to as Alan Tit-Marsh, oops) and Celebrity Juice, all in one day. I know, there's not enough of me, is there? So, I arrive at the BBC, where I'm quite a regular nowadays what with my Harry Hill appearances week after week.

On the way in, I bumped into Gabby Logan (actually I didn't bump into her at all, she made a bee line straight for me), who said how fabulous I was, and said I should be a household name. I said, ‘I'm working on it Gabby’. I nearly said, it was on the tip of my tongue, 'Do you want me to lay across your husband's back in a scrum?' (Because I'm good at that now.) But I didn't, I stopped myself, it wasn't the time or the place to discuss that type of thing. I needed to be shown to my dressing room quick sticks.

Notice how I said 'my' dressing room? Can you all take note of that? Well, it wasn't mine at all. Also appearing on the show alongside me was PDG (Pineapple Dance Group). Now, it's not that I mind sharing with twelve dancers, but when I do Harry Hill I have the same dressing room as Jay-Z, Beyoncé, and the GaGa. I do believe in consistency; I'll get my agent to have a word.

Anyway, one of the PDs or ADs or VDs, I don't know what they are, they all have titles in TV, gave me a little rundown of what was going on in the show. Well, I thought I was going to sit on the sofa and have a chat with Alan about perennial borders, but no! After PDG had done their dance I was to walk on, centre stage of course, where Alan would be standing in a very respectable suit and do a few moves with him and the warm-up guy.

I didn't let her see my dismay at not being on the sofa; we were taken to the studio and I worked out why I wasn't. Well! Lulu had slipped her way in; because she's very slight you know. She's tiny in fact. I suppose that was the confusion, us both being Lou's and tiny and slight - I just assumed they meant me in the script, not the Scottish dynamite.

Mind you, alarm bells should have rung when I overheard one of the PDs or ADs or VDs, whatever you call them, talking about Lulu's interview (which I presumed was me), mentioning how well Lulu was looking, not having had any surgery. I thought, that's a lie, everyone knows I've been 'toxed and filled, I've got nothing to hide! When they mentioned I was married to John Frieda and that the key to my youthful looks was a good bob, it made me wanna shout 'Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel!' But I didn't, I just gasped and held my breath - for about a minute.

Yes, it was the other Lulu! She was plugging some book or something, I don't know, I didn't have time to listen anymore.

I was taken backstage to prepare for my entrance - 5, 6, 7, 8, I'm on! Alan briefly mentioned the O2 show that I'm hosting and then asked me to teach him some dance moves. Obviously I started high-kicking and back flipping. Well, I thought if I'm only on for three minutes I'm going to make the most of it, he certainly won't be high-kicking or flipping! And as for the audience, lovely as they were, after my little escapade they all needed to plug in to recharge their pacemakers. Maybe I was just a bit too much. What do you think?

Swiftly, moving on to Riverside Studios, Hammersmith, for Celebrity Juice, with Keith Lemon, Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton; much more my cup of tea. They were all alive, not plugged in to their pacemakers. Now, this was more like it, I had my own dressing room with a fridge full of drinks! Not that I drink, I can't do any stimulants, you can imagine!

I also had some lovely treats, face cream, chocolate and body scrub, all free. There was also one of those sweet smelling candles that wasn't for taking, but it wasn't nailed down so I took it anyway. Not even time to fart and I was on set - I'm not on the panel this week, I'm poking my head through a couple of holes and coming out of a closet. As you can imagine, it was a riot!

So it's Alan Tit-Marsh (I mean Titchmarsh) today, ITV1 at 5pm, and Celebrity Juice tonight at 10pm on ITV2. I'll be on the panel of Celebrity Juice next week, or maybe not, they might change their minds - who knows? Maybe I shouldn't have stuck my tongue down Keith Lemon's throat and spread my legs so wide on his desk. But hey-ho, I did!

Love you and leave you, I'm back off to the Beeb to see my old friend Harry, who always gives me my own dressing room. You can see how that went for yourself on Saturday, of course if you have nothing better to do than watch me!

xxx