Sun-bloody-tastic!

Well that's it, then, isn't it? I’ve made it - I’ve hit the big time - a double page spread in the Sun! First thing this morning the phone rings, it's my mum, she says ‘Oh my God Louie, you are so bloody famous! Have you seen the Sun?’ I'm like, ‘Seen it? I bought every copy!’

You see, to us, and when I say us I mean the people of Great Britain, well, it's a bible, isn't it? I mean, from Croydon to the Costas, everyone buys the Sun, and if you say you don't, you're lying. And even if you don't buy it, we’ve all seen you suits have a quick spy on page 3 when it’s left on the train on the way home.

I mean, it makes sense, doesn't it, in modern day living? 20p for a paper, and something you can read in comfort, not like those newspapers as long as a carriage for which you need a degree in folding to turn the page.

We've all seen them, haven't we, on the train, flipping it this way, flapping it that way, bending it, in bending it out (and that’s just the paper)? I mean, really, it's unnecessary.

For those of you who haven’t tried to read one of those papers (the big ones I'm talking about, that take up a carriage), well, in fact I think they can take up your life. Because by the time you get to what they are trying to say, it's been that long-winded for them to get to the point, you forget what you started to read in the beginning. And I can guarantee you, normally it will end in some word as long as the alphabet that no one has ever heard, not even the journalist, I’m sure.

But my point is… I've made it! A double page spread in the Sun, and apart from my mum ringing me first thing this morning, my cousin Ashley on the burger van has just texted me saying all the lorry drivers are raving about my spread; they can't get enough of me. I did ask if one of them was called Dave, that’s the only lorry driver I’ve ever met.

I said, give them a burger on me, darling, I’m on me way up! I'll send you a cheque in the post.

Oh, one other thing, because I’m not meant to be blogging today, I’m meant to be rehearsing for the O2. I have told u about the O2 haven't I?

I had a fabulous evening at Celebrity Juice - I was on Fearne's team, you’ll see tonight who wins. Holly had Louis Walsh and Louise Redknapp on her team, and Fearne had the personality (me) and the comic genius Paddy McGuinness.

You see, there was a problem – what with all the Lous in the house, and I don’t mean the ones you p*** in, Keith would ask a question starting with 'Lou', and before he had a chance to finish it, I answered straight away (because I read the Sun, you see, so I knew all the answers).

I didn't give him a chance to end the name in Lou-is or Lou-ise; all I needed to hear was a Lou, and without missing a beat, 5, 6, 7, 8, I blurted out the answer, giving them a point.

Honestly, my mouth sometimes, I must learn to breathe. Or just hold my breath, it would help, I think, in these situations; or just keep my mouth shut!

And on that note, I’m shutting up and going to rehearse for the O2, which is tomorrow night. I have mentioned the O2, haven’t I? I’m not nervous about it, the O2 that is.

'Til next week!

Love you and leave you, xxx

What, Not Me?

Morning all! I've finally got five minutes! I'm flat out at the moment, what with the O2 show coming up on Friday. So, Absolute Radio was a blast! Iain Lee was very nice. He could be Jack you know, he's that tall, and I'd climb his beanstalk in a flash - and after ten minutes in the studio with me I think he would have been quite happy for me to do so.

I don't know what it is, I don't know what I've got, I don't know what I do with these boys, but their feminine side comes cascading out! It's no joke; after ten minutes with them I'm swimming in femininity! And if it wasn't for me pulling back and putting on my masculine side, I don't know what might happen. I think this is all in my head, but I'm just going with it!

So that was Friday. On Saturday I popped down to see Mum and Dad - they were having a photo shoot with Braintree and Witham Times; remember I told you about that in my last blog? It's local press, you've got to do it.

We went into town, me and Pat that is (my mum), because she wanted to go a new shop that has just opened. To them it's like our Selfridges on Oxford Street, but believe me it's not like our Selfridges at all, it's affordable if you're on benefits - just how I like it. So, it was the big opening and they had someone to cut the ribbon. Guess who? Go on, have a guess!

Let me tell you. When I was driving through town, because I have to do this to get to Pat and John's, I passed the Co-op, and next to the Co-op is an alley that goes into the centre of town. I saw a big queue of people going back to the fish and chip shop and I thought to myself, don't tell me Pat's got the word out that I'm coming home!

It's got to be for me, hasn't it? I can't think of anyone else from Braintree who's been hanging out with Kate Moss and been spoken about by Robbie Williams and Kylie Minogue. She did that on Twitter you know; she said 'All hail Louie Spence'. For a gay man, it's like being knighted. I should be calling myself Dame Louie after that, really, shouldn't I?

Then I thought, Ah! It’s most probably Stan Thorogood opening other DIY / builders’ merchants, and he's got cut down prices on plastic ponds and garden sheds. That will always create a crowd, and I'll tell you why. They're used as extra living space (the sheds that is, not the ponds). My nephew used to live in the garage at the bottom of the garden; it gets to a point where the council won't move you on anymore you know, no matter how big the family gets. And believe me they do like to breed in Braintree. That's why the garden sheds are popular - extra living space you see, it's very simple!

So, back to the big crowd by the Co-op; it wasn't for me at all! Pat hadn't got the word out. It was bloody Olly Murs, from X-Factor, muscling in on my home town! He's from Witham, a town five miles up the road. I suppose I'll let him have this one, it's fine. Anyway I'm far too busy to be opening shops, I just wanted a bit of quiet time with my mum and dad and my sisters.

I did create a bit of a storm though on entering this new store. I don't suppose it had anything to do with the fact that I was high kicking and back flipping and shouting ‘I’m here, anyone want a photo?' Not really, I didn't do high kicks and back flips. I just asked if anyone wanted a photo, but not to a great response. Maybe if I'd sung 'Twist and Shout' I might have got a bit more attention.

Sunday, at home with my gorgeous husband, and I cooked a lovely roast, compliments of M&S, all ready made. Early to rise Monday morning! Chris Moyles, Radio 1 - I think I've made it! Chris was excited to see me, I was excited to see him, and we all had fun. I'm sure all of you who listened would agree.

I was a bit unsure about Chris before I met him, because I've seen him with some people, he can be very hard. But, like I say, I've got that something, haven't I? I bring out their softer side, and he was an absolute teddy bear. I think I might even have a little Chris crush - that's a mouthful for me.



Tuesday (keep up with me), I got Keith Lemon in, doing a spectacular dance routine with me, which is going to be used for a VT on this Thursday's Celebrity Juice - of which I am on the panel. This is Tuesday morning. Tuesday afternoon, vroom vroom, vroom vroom vroom, I got the Carr in.



Yes, girls and gays, THE Alan Carr parked up in my penthouse. That's Studio 79 - we call it the penthouse because it's at the top of the building. We had a quick chat for More magazine, slipped him into some pink legwarmers, quick photoshoot, tour around the building and sent him on his way. You can only imagine the innuendos flying back and forth between us. Honestly, it wasn't camp at all!

So here I am, Wednesday morning. I'm off to go and do a very rough run of the show. You know the show? I have mentioned it, haven't I - The O2? I know, it's a worry every time I mention it, it's got to that point now where I get that loose sort of feeling in my stomach, and I can only relieve the anxiety when I fart! Ooh, that's me off; I shouldn't have had the lentils last night, always leaves the air a bit thick after a good old fart.

Right, I can't breathe now. Speak soon; it may not be until after the O2, I don't know!

Ta ra xx

My Head Is In A Spin!

As Kelly Marie sang in her '80's hit, my head is in a spin, my feet don't touch the ground. And there have been so many people near to me my head is going round and round, my knees are shaking, my heart is beating like a drum! Boom Boom! Boom Boom!

In fact it almost exploded (my heart, that is) when I was sprawled across the Saracens scrum on Tuesday morning. I said scrum, although I was swimming in ecstasy! Actually I was quite prepared to let myself drown. They were a burly bunch of public school boys with buns of steel and thighs you couldn't wrap your arms around. And believe me, I tried.

Sorry, let me keep you in the loop, I'm getting far too carried away with myself. It's the Saracens I'm talking about; they are a professional rugby team in St. Albans. This is the photo shoot for Heat magazine, my four page spread, which I believe will be out on 30th March. Don't miss it, believe me, it's hot! It was well worth the hour and a half car journey up there. I'd recommend it to anyone!

Oh, by the way, I had a fabulous audition for my feature film. Well, it's not my feature film, it is Mandy Moore and Martin Freeman who are the stars, but I got the part! Can you believe it? Honestly, I can't! Admittedly they were looking for someone quite flamboyant (gay), so maybe it wasn't down to my acting skills at all. But I don't care! I'll be high kicking and back flipping all the way down the red carpet at the premier.

That was on Monday - I know my days aren't in order on this blog, but like I said, Kelly Marrrrrie! Let's try and get my days in order.
Wednesday: Alan Titchmarsh (who I kept referring to as Alan Tit-Marsh, oops) and Celebrity Juice, all in one day. I know, there's not enough of me, is there? So, I arrive at the BBC, where I'm quite a regular nowadays what with my Harry Hill appearances week after week.

On the way in, I bumped into Gabby Logan (actually I didn't bump into her at all, she made a bee line straight for me), who said how fabulous I was, and said I should be a household name. I said, ‘I'm working on it Gabby’. I nearly said, it was on the tip of my tongue, 'Do you want me to lay across your husband's back in a scrum?' (Because I'm good at that now.) But I didn't, I stopped myself, it wasn't the time or the place to discuss that type of thing. I needed to be shown to my dressing room quick sticks.

Notice how I said 'my' dressing room? Can you all take note of that? Well, it wasn't mine at all. Also appearing on the show alongside me was PDG (Pineapple Dance Group). Now, it's not that I mind sharing with twelve dancers, but when I do Harry Hill I have the same dressing room as Jay-Z, Beyoncé, and the GaGa. I do believe in consistency; I'll get my agent to have a word.

Anyway, one of the PDs or ADs or VDs, I don't know what they are, they all have titles in TV, gave me a little rundown of what was going on in the show. Well, I thought I was going to sit on the sofa and have a chat with Alan about perennial borders, but no! After PDG had done their dance I was to walk on, centre stage of course, where Alan would be standing in a very respectable suit and do a few moves with him and the warm-up guy.

I didn't let her see my dismay at not being on the sofa; we were taken to the studio and I worked out why I wasn't. Well! Lulu had slipped her way in; because she's very slight you know. She's tiny in fact. I suppose that was the confusion, us both being Lou's and tiny and slight - I just assumed they meant me in the script, not the Scottish dynamite.

Mind you, alarm bells should have rung when I overheard one of the PDs or ADs or VDs, whatever you call them, talking about Lulu's interview (which I presumed was me), mentioning how well Lulu was looking, not having had any surgery. I thought, that's a lie, everyone knows I've been 'toxed and filled, I've got nothing to hide! When they mentioned I was married to John Frieda and that the key to my youthful looks was a good bob, it made me wanna shout 'Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel!' But I didn't, I just gasped and held my breath - for about a minute.

Yes, it was the other Lulu! She was plugging some book or something, I don't know, I didn't have time to listen anymore.

I was taken backstage to prepare for my entrance - 5, 6, 7, 8, I'm on! Alan briefly mentioned the O2 show that I'm hosting and then asked me to teach him some dance moves. Obviously I started high-kicking and back flipping. Well, I thought if I'm only on for three minutes I'm going to make the most of it, he certainly won't be high-kicking or flipping! And as for the audience, lovely as they were, after my little escapade they all needed to plug in to recharge their pacemakers. Maybe I was just a bit too much. What do you think?

Swiftly, moving on to Riverside Studios, Hammersmith, for Celebrity Juice, with Keith Lemon, Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton; much more my cup of tea. They were all alive, not plugged in to their pacemakers. Now, this was more like it, I had my own dressing room with a fridge full of drinks! Not that I drink, I can't do any stimulants, you can imagine!

I also had some lovely treats, face cream, chocolate and body scrub, all free. There was also one of those sweet smelling candles that wasn't for taking, but it wasn't nailed down so I took it anyway. Not even time to fart and I was on set - I'm not on the panel this week, I'm poking my head through a couple of holes and coming out of a closet. As you can imagine, it was a riot!

So it's Alan Tit-Marsh (I mean Titchmarsh) today, ITV1 at 5pm, and Celebrity Juice tonight at 10pm on ITV2. I'll be on the panel of Celebrity Juice next week, or maybe not, they might change their minds - who knows? Maybe I shouldn't have stuck my tongue down Keith Lemon's throat and spread my legs so wide on his desk. But hey-ho, I did!

Love you and leave you, I'm back off to the Beeb to see my old friend Harry, who always gives me my own dressing room. You can see how that went for yourself on Saturday, of course if you have nothing better to do than watch me!

xxx