What, Not Me?

Morning all! I've finally got five minutes! I'm flat out at the moment, what with the O2 show coming up on Friday. So, Absolute Radio was a blast! Iain Lee was very nice. He could be Jack you know, he's that tall, and I'd climb his beanstalk in a flash - and after ten minutes in the studio with me I think he would have been quite happy for me to do so.

I don't know what it is, I don't know what I've got, I don't know what I do with these boys, but their feminine side comes cascading out! It's no joke; after ten minutes with them I'm swimming in femininity! And if it wasn't for me pulling back and putting on my masculine side, I don't know what might happen. I think this is all in my head, but I'm just going with it!

So that was Friday. On Saturday I popped down to see Mum and Dad - they were having a photo shoot with Braintree and Witham Times; remember I told you about that in my last blog? It's local press, you've got to do it.

We went into town, me and Pat that is (my mum), because she wanted to go a new shop that has just opened. To them it's like our Selfridges on Oxford Street, but believe me it's not like our Selfridges at all, it's affordable if you're on benefits - just how I like it. So, it was the big opening and they had someone to cut the ribbon. Guess who? Go on, have a guess!

Let me tell you. When I was driving through town, because I have to do this to get to Pat and John's, I passed the Co-op, and next to the Co-op is an alley that goes into the centre of town. I saw a big queue of people going back to the fish and chip shop and I thought to myself, don't tell me Pat's got the word out that I'm coming home!

It's got to be for me, hasn't it? I can't think of anyone else from Braintree who's been hanging out with Kate Moss and been spoken about by Robbie Williams and Kylie Minogue. She did that on Twitter you know; she said 'All hail Louie Spence'. For a gay man, it's like being knighted. I should be calling myself Dame Louie after that, really, shouldn't I?

Then I thought, Ah! It’s most probably Stan Thorogood opening other DIY / builders’ merchants, and he's got cut down prices on plastic ponds and garden sheds. That will always create a crowd, and I'll tell you why. They're used as extra living space (the sheds that is, not the ponds). My nephew used to live in the garage at the bottom of the garden; it gets to a point where the council won't move you on anymore you know, no matter how big the family gets. And believe me they do like to breed in Braintree. That's why the garden sheds are popular - extra living space you see, it's very simple!

So, back to the big crowd by the Co-op; it wasn't for me at all! Pat hadn't got the word out. It was bloody Olly Murs, from X-Factor, muscling in on my home town! He's from Witham, a town five miles up the road. I suppose I'll let him have this one, it's fine. Anyway I'm far too busy to be opening shops, I just wanted a bit of quiet time with my mum and dad and my sisters.

I did create a bit of a storm though on entering this new store. I don't suppose it had anything to do with the fact that I was high kicking and back flipping and shouting ‘I’m here, anyone want a photo?' Not really, I didn't do high kicks and back flips. I just asked if anyone wanted a photo, but not to a great response. Maybe if I'd sung 'Twist and Shout' I might have got a bit more attention.

Sunday, at home with my gorgeous husband, and I cooked a lovely roast, compliments of M&S, all ready made. Early to rise Monday morning! Chris Moyles, Radio 1 - I think I've made it! Chris was excited to see me, I was excited to see him, and we all had fun. I'm sure all of you who listened would agree.

I was a bit unsure about Chris before I met him, because I've seen him with some people, he can be very hard. But, like I say, I've got that something, haven't I? I bring out their softer side, and he was an absolute teddy bear. I think I might even have a little Chris crush - that's a mouthful for me.



Tuesday (keep up with me), I got Keith Lemon in, doing a spectacular dance routine with me, which is going to be used for a VT on this Thursday's Celebrity Juice - of which I am on the panel. This is Tuesday morning. Tuesday afternoon, vroom vroom, vroom vroom vroom, I got the Carr in.



Yes, girls and gays, THE Alan Carr parked up in my penthouse. That's Studio 79 - we call it the penthouse because it's at the top of the building. We had a quick chat for More magazine, slipped him into some pink legwarmers, quick photoshoot, tour around the building and sent him on his way. You can only imagine the innuendos flying back and forth between us. Honestly, it wasn't camp at all!

So here I am, Wednesday morning. I'm off to go and do a very rough run of the show. You know the show? I have mentioned it, haven't I - The O2? I know, it's a worry every time I mention it, it's got to that point now where I get that loose sort of feeling in my stomach, and I can only relieve the anxiety when I fart! Ooh, that's me off; I shouldn't have had the lentils last night, always leaves the air a bit thick after a good old fart.

Right, I can't breathe now. Speak soon; it may not be until after the O2, I don't know!

Ta ra xx