Front To Back, Back To Front - How Bizarre

What a gorgeous day! Look at it – the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and doesn’t it just make you want to say ‘I Love You’? It does, doesn’t it? I often feel like saying it. Actually, I’ve been saying it a lot lately. I keep meeting people, and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is ‘Oh, I Love you!’ That’s the first thing out of my mouth, but in my mind, I’m normally (well, if it’s a really cute guy), great ass, boxers or Calvins, grower or shower? Come on, we all do it!

With the girls, it’s normally, knickers or no knickers? Toupée-tape tits or falsies? It’s just the way my mind works, I can’t help it.

I don’t know whether to start at the back and work my way to the front, or start at the front and work my way to the back. By that I mean, I normally start my blogs from where I left off, but I’m going to start from today and work my way forward in going backwards, if you know what I mean. Confused? Yes, so was I, by the article in the Sun today.

How Bizarre, how Bizarre! I’ve never seen a journalist, in my very short time in this media whirlwind, who has been backward in coming forward, and took notice of what anyone would say about speaking to somebody. And that’s what I am nowadays, somebody that everybody wants to speak to, apparently; and somebody that everyone did speak to, with no problems at all, at the lastminute.com party where they launched my ad. So, I think, just be smart about it – do you like that, the play on words? It’s nearly as good as Bananas and Pineapples, isn’t it? My point is, Gordon, I would never have a problem speaking to someone as cute as you. So, whatever anyone says, for me, when you look as good as you do, cute as a button, all I would say is, we can talk anytime, darling! Oh, and sorry, for any of you who don’t know what’s going on, just coming in the middle of our little lovers’ tiff, this is it.

So this is today, and today is Friday, 21st May. Thursday, 20th May – remember, I’m working backwards - Emma and I had a little night out, and ended up at Chinawhite, where we had a lovely little dance or two, and before that we had burger and chips at the Ivy Club, bloody lovely. We had a good old chinwag about everything that’s been going on and is going on.

You know what; I’m confusing myself with this going forward and going back! I’ve got to do my Reveal voiceover at 11am, and it’s already 10.30am. So I’m going to go back to the front, and work my way back to where we are now, if you get me. Breathe.

Friday, 14th, I had a lovely photoshoot at image1st with Laura. We did single shots, and then we did some shots together. I needed to some new pics - I’m loving the wink, but it’s been everywhere now, I’m getting a little bit bored of of it, aren’t you? Here’s one of the pics, just me having fun again.

It’s a variation on my pussy, but without the lycra and the towel. I know my pussy looks a bit pissed off, but I’m just having a little hissssssssss. Sorry, those s’s don’t need to be there, but as you know, my s’s do get sssssstuck.

Straight after the photoshoot, honestly, not time to fart, I went off to Google – and I don’t mean online. I mean THE offices – they’re in Victoria, very nice, very, very nice. What was I doing there, you ask? Well, I don’t know if I told you before, I went and met eight of their specialists who told me all about analytics and my demographics, and all those things that they talk about, those wonderfully intelligent, and may I add, young and sexy people at Google. This was my second visit, to say hello to everybody. Obviously I said more than hello; they rolled out a red carpet, and I gave them a show!

I was all over them, and I mean all over them. They put on a little talent show which I had to judge. There were questions and answers (I think I gave them a bit more than they needed to know) – it did get a little x-rated to tell you the truth, but I couldn’t help myself.

But it was worth it, they gave me a free Nexus One phone, which is faster than Usain Bolt on getting online and anything else you want to get on and off - It’s amazing. And, on leaving, for some reason I was very popular with the boys again; they all wanted to get their arms around me and get a quick snap. Never one to miss an opportunity, I had a quick little grope myself – something for the wank bank.

Anyway, moving on, I got in the cab from Google and straight off to the O2 to watch Westlife, in Sky’s corporate box. And, yes, it was my first time in one of Sky’s corporate boxes. I got where I am on my talent, not by filling my box, or anyone else’s. It was a very pleasant evening, lovely wholesome boys. And Carly - I don’t know if any of you have met Carly, she was in the show a few times - she works in the offices upstairs; gorgeous thing. Well, she’s a big fan of the boys - she had a ball, I had to peel her off the seat.

Not much happened at the weekend; well, actually, a lot did happen, but it was all body maintenance - manicure, pedicure, haircut, dye lashes, waxed ear hair. I know it’s unglamorous, but hey, after forty, hair starts to sprout from every orifice. It was all that kind of thing, you know. And if you don’t, you will!

Tuesday 18th, that’s where we are now – Shooting Stars! Coo coo, coo coo! I was on Jack Dee’s team with Paloma Faith, whom I love. I told you, didn’t I, I keep saying ‘I love’ when I meet people, but she is real good fun with a great sense of humour and doesn’t take herself too seriously.




Jack Dee had a face like a smacked arse, but a very charming smacked arse, and a really nice man. Reeves and Mortimer were great, and on Ulrika’s team there was James May from Top Gear, and James Buckley from In Betweeners. I’m not going to go on about them because they won. I did end up spreading my legs on Reeves and Mortimer’s desk and rolling onto their laps. I know, but I just can’t stop myself.




And now it’s Friday, and you know what happened on Wednesday and Thursday, because I started back to front, and now we’re front to back. I’m just going to see if my speedos still fit, as it’s going to be a hot weekend. If not, a g-string will do.

Love you and leave you. Don’t believe the hype. I don’t!

Louie xxxx

Forty One and Fabulous!

And why wouldn't it be? The sun is out, the daffodils are blooming, and I feel more radiant than ever! And why? Because I'm worth it! Move over Cheryl - if L'Oréal can have a Geordie, babe, they can have a poof with a lisp! If anyone from L'Oréal is reading, feel free to get in touch, I look great with a weave too!

No, but really, what a glorious day I have woken up to! My life is already perfect, as I tweeted last night - what more do you want? Health, happiness, and someone who loves you - I've got it all. But I suppose there's always more, isn't there? There's Kylie and her retweets to me, "Plus high kicks to die for!! hahaaa!!" Sorry, did I mention Kylie again? I must not stop doing that!

So, what am I doing on my special day, I hear you all asking? Well, it's work, work, work! I'm here at the studios 'til 12, then off to Grazia magazine to go through a few bits that we're doing together - I'll let you know when it's out. It's bound to be fabulous, isn't it? I mean, really! Then off to lunch at The Ivy with Debbie Moore, OBE - it's going to be burger and chips for me all the way. After, a bit of shopping, then deciding where I'm going on holiday - it's going to be lastminute.com for me, they always seem to have something great on offer.

I'm loving you and leaving you - I know this is a short blog, but Interflora have never had such a busy day! I must go and receive my boxes and bouquets, and honestly some things are turning up that, well... I thought it was a totem pole! I'll leave you to work that one out, but I don't think it's something you'd be dancing around. All I've got to say is it would take your breath away!

Oh, and also, how could I forget? You all know I'm big in the Sun, don't you, the people's paper, as I mentioned in one of my previous blogs? And I did say how difficult it was to read those big papers, you know the ones I mean, like the Observer and The Guardian? Like I said, they do take up a whole carriage on the train. Well, I'm sorry, I'm backtracking and rewinding on that one. It's amazing how comfortable those big papers can get when you're in them - The Observer magazine on Sunday, and The Guardian on Monday! It really does seem that I'm reaching out to the whole nation, doesn't it?

And what is my message? Live life to the full! Love yourself, and love those who love you. And I love you all.

Happy Birthday to me!




Love Louie xxx

What a Wonderful World!

You need to keep up to speed, I'm not backtracking. Things are moving way too fast and I'm riding it like a rocket!

As I said when I left you last, I had two press interviews and I was off to Harry Hill. The press interview was fabulous! I terrorised a very handsome young cameraman who was filming the whole thing for Sky Magazine. I know I shouldn't but I just couldn't help myself.

I was then whisked off to Harry Hill; lucky you're not sitting in front of me while I say 'whisked' this early in the morning. Honestly, you would need a shield in front of your face like they use at the hairdressers before they attack you with Elnett. It takes a bit of time for my tongue to warm up in the morning, but everything else is fine.

As those of you who were watching Harry Hill would have seen, my pussy was quite impressive, once I'd choked up my fur ball. I'm getting to feel quite at home with Harry, me old mate! Sorry, I should say award winning Harry Hill! Anyway, enough about him, back to me.

Friday morning, a meeting about the O2 show, which I will be hosting. Have I told you about that or not? Yes, yes, yes! I'm hosting the O2! I'm trying not to think about it too much at the moment, it's one day at a time. And talking about time, I ain't got time to think about it!

Let me tell you about Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I'm going to make this quick, because I want to get back to today, Monday, so I can run you through my busy schedule.

Friday, after the O2 meeting (did I mention I'm hosting the O2?) - oh, I did? Fine. At 6 O'clock I met Carmine at The Ivy - sorry, how could I miss out Laura? (gasp!) - me, Laura and Carmine. Do I need to explain that Carmine is Jake Canuso, who plays the waiter in the hit show Benidorm, which I have already mentioned in one of my blogs?

So, it was burger and chips for me and Carmine, and two bottles of rosé, thank you very much - Laura was on her liquid diet again, as per usual. I know why I always have a two glass of wine quota - because I just lose myself; like I'm not pretty full on anyway.

Let me tell you what happened. There I was on my third glass of rosé when a very handsome TV executive (I presume, because I'm very big in TV circles at the moment - apparently I'm hot, hot, hot!) said to me 'I'm loving you in your show'. I didn't interject and tell him that it isn't my show - there's a whole load of other people in it.

I pointed to his friend and said very theatrically and loudly, 'And I love Gary Lucy!' With an awkward laugh he made his way back to his friend. Carmine had tears of laughter rolling down his face at this point, for a reason unbeknown to me, until he caught his breath enough to spit out that it wasn't Gary Lucy at all, it was Will Mellor, from Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, thank you very much. Oh well, shit happens!

On finishing my third glass of rosé, that naughty Miss Bunton (that's Emma Bunton, I have mentioned her, haven't I, that she's one of my best friends?) called to ask if we would like to join her at another bar for a few drinks? We agreed and got out of there as quick as poss, after my Gary Lucy / Will Mellor mistake at The Ivy Club.

Oh dear, the fresh air hit, I got that floating-on-air feeling and I couldn't quite get my tongue around my lisp. Now that's a worry. It was water all the way for me from then on, and another wonderful evening with Miss Bunton and her gorgeous partner Mr Jade Jones, who we all love.

Oh, did I mention? We were also with Leigh Francis, better known as Keith Lemon or Avid Merrion, who you can imagine is also great fun to be out with! I managed 'til about midnight with these guys. I know it all sounds very glamorous being at a private members' club in Berkeley Square, but when you've got a schedule like mine you've got to know when it's time to go, and it was about midnight for me.

Early to rise, on Saturday I popped down to Move It at Olympia in London, which was great. I watched some amazing dancers and loads of people came up to me and said how much they are enjoying the show. Everyone was so lovely!

Sunday I spent with my gorgeous husband (because I am married you know - well, civil partnership) who helped me go through my lines for my audition today for a feature film. Did I mention? Oh, I didn't? I'll let you know how it all goes.

Gotta go now, I need to look at my script one more time. I'll come back to you as soon as I can, and I'll fill you in (not literally) about my other commitments this week, like my shoot for a two double-pages spread in Heat magazine, the Alan Titchmarsh Show, Celebrity Juice, and my many radio interviews.

Who would have thought it? So much interest in a 40 year old, well-toned may I add, homosexual! What a wonderful world we live in!

xxx