Butch Boy

Something a little bit different this week – me and football. Well, I say different, I was just helping the boys out, the England squad that is, our boys. I was putting a few goal celebrations together for them; I did a few little routines and if any of our boys do one of my little jigs, or their interpretation of, when they score a goal, £1,000 goes towards providing clean water in African schools, and that’s great, isn’t it? It’s all sponsored by Coca Cola. Check it out via this link.

But of course I wasn’t going to do it quietly – why would I, why should I? I had Kate Walsh down from Live From Studio 5, putting her through her paces with a couple of the little combinations, which was great fun; she’s very cute.

But all I could see in my peripheral vision was Gordon How Hot Do You Look Smart in his white knee-length shorts (I think it’s synthetic silk they wear, isn’t it?).

I was modelling a nice pair of – well, I suppose you could almost call them batty-riders, they’d go down great in a dance hall. I wasn’t quite sure if I’d nailed it for the football look, but you know what, hey-ho!

Anyway, back to my Gordon – oh, he’s not mine at all, is he? He affectionately likes to call me Louise – I just call him GG, and no, it’s not for Gay Gordon (I wish), it’s for Gorgeous Gordon. We spent a wonderful hour together knocking out some moves, and ending up with him insisting he wanted to jump on my back for a shot. I was like, shot, darling? You’ve scored! Goal!

Anyway, after getting myself all unnecessary and overheated, I jumped straight in a cab and went over to the Sun office. My GG doesn’t only have his own spread every day in the Sun, he’s now branched out and has his own radio show, on which I was a guest. I thought it was going to be just me and GG, but no, there I was, pushed into a room with four shirts and ties, talking about hair removal and body maintenance.

Honestly, put those straight boys in a room with a gay and they wanna know why you’re looking so good – their words, not mine. So I told them how it is. You can have download it and have a listen yourself here.

We finished the radio chat and I had a little visit at the Bizarre office, where Gordon presented me with a massive horn. Mmmm. And an England flag. We had a little game of darts, a few snapshots, and that was me done – a lovely trip to the Sun.

Talking about sun, as I do, I could have done with some yesterday. So, the whole day it was looking like rain but no rain. The moment I stepped out of my car – well, it wasn’t my car at all, it wasn’t my Hyundai i10, it was one of those big Mercedes with blacked out windows and a big driver – pitter patter, pitter patter, bigger pitter patters, bigger pitter patters, now it was pissing down.

Where was I, you’re asking? I was at Top Gear, watching the track getting wetter and wetter. Shit! How was I going to be the Top Queer in those conditions - the fact that my outfit was getting ruined in the rain was bad enough. Not too far in the distance I saw a gazebo – is that what you call them? Or is that just a posh word for a tent? Anyway, I made a bee-line straight for it, where the lads were. Peter Jones - you know, the very tall one. Honestly, I had my neck aching, I had to keep looking up so far; the gerbil, or is it the hamster? I’m not sure; and Bill Bailey.

For some reason, as I made my approach, Jeremy Clarkson made his escape. He wanted to play cat and dog again, like we did on Jonathon Ross. Now, I’m not going to spoil my Top Gear moment – well, actually, there was more than one moment, there were moments. I’m going to let you see it when it’s aired on June 27, and decide for yourself if I’m the Top Queer.

All I’m going to say is that I was spectacular! I did spin off the track a couple of times, and the Stig did ask me if I was frightened, because we were going so fast; and no, I wasn’t - I was just doing some lovely off-track choreography. I did nearly kill a cameraman, but hey! Boys and toys!

Now, about me! Don’t worry, don’t believe all you read. I’m exclusive to no-one, apart from my husband, that is. And as for being handcuffed, they’d have to be more than golden, darling; they’d have to be diamond-encrusted. To all my beautiful Twitterers and Facebookers, Pineapple will still be involved in the new show, and no, I’m not opening a rival dance school; so no need to worry.

Just think of the new show as an extension of what you’ve already seen. It’s going to be fabulous, bigger and better. And don’t we all love things that grow? I do!

Morning, Noon and Night

Well I’m sprayed up and ready to go - Factor 30 all the way. I’m not burning in this mini heatwave like I did in the last one. Now, I don’t need to be a weather man (or wo-man) to tell ya this ain’t gonna last, so make the most of it. I’ve got my G-String to hand this week – picture to follow next week.

What’s been going on? There’s always something going on – it really is non-stop. But my life has always been non-stop, so it’s not really anything new for. And I’m like a chameleon; I can be whatever colour you want, for whatever occasion. And on Sunday I was pink and fluffy on the inside, sporting blue and white stripes on the outside, for my trip to Legally Blonde, which I treated my gorgeous husband to, as he hadn’t seen it. I had seen it of course, because I was there at opening night.

As you know, I’m not one to name drop, Emma (Bunton), Kylie (Minogue), Kate (Moss), Pixie (Lott) - she’s coming later, I’ll tell you all about Pixie – of course, I’m good friends with Sheridan (Smith) and Duncan (James). For those of you who don’t know, they are the stars of Legally Blonde, the musical. I like to keep a varied group of friends, from West End to Wembley – you know me, I don’t discriminate; from counts to council (I did say counts, didn’t I? I do know a few of the others as well, but hey.)

And what a show! I enjoyed it as much the second time as I did the first time round. Not just because, as I said, I’m good friends with people in it (Sheridan and Duncan). Ooh, I forgot to tell you - so, we’re sitting there, husband and me, and I always get an aisle seat because I have a bladder like a pea – I went to the loo four times in the first half. I’ve had my prostate checked, so it’s not that. You see, I’ve got private medical insurance, so when I go to the doctor’s I don’t bother with the GP, I just say send me private to a specialist. It costs me £800 a year – I know what you’re thinking, more money than sense, just because he’s famous. I’m a bit hesitant about using this word famous, remember last week I used it a bit too soon, it came back and kicked me right in the rear? Let’s see if I can keep it in for the rest of this blog. Keep what in, I hear you ask? The word ‘famous’.

My point about private medical insurance is I’ve always had it. I believe it’s an investment in my hypochondria, which I’ve had from a very young age, due to Pat, my mum. She would take us all to the doctor’s, me and my three sisters that is, when only one of us was ill. I mean, they say nature or nurture about being gay, well at twelve when I went to the doctor’s with my three sisters - as we always did, to get diagnosed for something we didn’t have but my mum was convinced we had – I thought I had ovaries and a womb and was going to start my period. Imagine that at twelve, when my balls had only just dropped, and I was firing blanks but still giving it a good go.

Hold on, it’s Caleb calling me. I’ve mentioned Caleb before haven’t I? Haven’t I? He’s my work colleague. Hold on a second, I just need to see what he wants… I’m back, sorry about that. Oh, actually, thank Kylie (not God anymore) he did stop me! I’ve totally digressed here, haven’t I, into my medical history, which is none of your business.

Back to Legally Blonde - in between the toilet breaks, can you believe it, I had them queuing down the aisles for autographs. I felt quite bad, signing across Sheridan’s picture on a £7 programme, but I had no choice; I didn’t have any photographs from Snappy Snaps on me – why would I?

Amazing, amazing, amazing! Well worth the money, Legally Blonde is a real good family show – Duncan is wonderful, charming and handsome, but the star of the show is Sheridan. She is just so believable; apart from having a great voice (and great tits as well, as you can see here, I do know at first hand).



Her acting is just award-worthy. If she doesn’t get one for her performance then I’m taking musical theatre out of my vocabulary.

So that was Sunday - Monday, nothing to report, I didn’t leave the house all day. It was a bank holiday, that’s what you do, isn’t it? You either spend the day with your family or do nothing, so it was nothing for me – I didn’t even scrape my tongue or floss my teeth. I know it’s hard to believe.

On Tuesday I couldn’t wait to get back to Pineapple. I bumped into Pixie (Lott), who was rehearsing for her performance on Britain’s Got Talent on Wednesday, where I was also going to be doing Britain’s Got More Talent.

Debbie (Moore) had arrived back from France, it was great to see her, as always, and catch up. Then we had a lovely dinner in the evening to celebrate her birthday, at The Ivy, of course.



Just to let you all know, this isn’t the same top that I wore to Legally Blonde on Sunday, this is short sleeved, and £2.50 from H&M.

Wednesday, I got picked up at 5.30 to get to Wembley, where they film Britain’s Got Talent and Britain’s Got More Talent. Come dressed, they said, so I did. They didn’t tell me I was going to watch the show in some badly decorated room sitting on a brown draylon and pleather sofa (if you could even call it a sofa).



By the time I got to do BGMT I was screwed up like a bit of old rag, and it wasn’t a cheap shirt, it was All Saints, which is much more expensive than Top Man (that I still haven’t got anything free from). But I did get to meet some of the contestants, which was fun.

The dance group Starburst were very sweet, and were asked who their idol was and who they would most aspire to be like – and they said me! Oh, how sweet! I didn’t like to shatter their dreams and tell them they’ve got no chance – not unless they’ve all got a mum like mine, and they’re made to believe they’ve got body parts they haven’t got, if you know what I mean. I don’t think they’re going to grow up to be gay men with loose legs and a lisp.



Anymahoot! I also met the drag artist who thought he was Madonna. Darling, he needed to think again, and again, and again. I don’t know about hung up, but he looked as if he had been dug up.



Oh, I forgot to tell you, apart from the brown draylon and pleather sofa that I had to sit on for four hours, screwing up my expensive shirt (from All Saints – maybe they’ll give me something free – All Saints All Saints All Saints). When I first arrived, the VIP area for the BGMT guests was the back end of a conservatory with some nasty blue crushed velvet curtains draped everywhere and over what I’m sure was a piss-stained sofa, I could smell it. I think they must hold the OAPs pottery class there or something, one day a week, in the ‘flu season - one cough for incontinence.

What I’m trying to get across to you guys is that it’s not glamorous, it’s work. I had a gay rosé, a bowl of potato wedges, cottage pie and peas - just how I like it, in fact.

I don’t like it all posh and la de da – I could have done without the smell of old piss. I would have Febreezed it myself, you know the spray one you can get now? I love it. (Ooh, Febreeze commercial?) I know JedWard have just done the Shake’n’Vac - they were there too. They did make me laugh, they are funny - not intentionally funny, of course.



I didn’t get out of there until midnight, and it was an early start for Lorraine Kelly. But it wasn’t Lorraine at all, it was my gorgeous Emma (Bunton), standing in for her for a week. So, of course, I got myself on. I did beauty tips, well, my beauty tips – it was all about the olive oil and eyelash curlers, you all know - I don’t need to go into detail with you lot, do I?



Then we joined Jade (Jones) in the kitchen, who did an amazing cous cous, honestly, it tasted so good, with salmon, which I didn’t go near, I don’t like fish. We had a real laugh, it was really good fun. I think I do worry the producers, of most of these shows I go on actually, I don’t know why. But hey, what can I say? It is all about fun, fun, fun, isn’t it?

It was an early night for me Thursday, what with a late one Wednesday night, after BGMT, and an early one Thursday at GMTV, with Lorraine who wasn’t Lorraine, it was Emma. Even I, with boundless energy, need to recharge. And here we are today, and what a day - the sun is shining, again.

Ooh, and while I’m on about the Sun, I just want to let Gordon know that I’m all signed up; I did it yesterday about 6 o’clock. And you can call me Louise whenever you like, Gordon. I’m taking it as a sign of affection; I’m hoping it is, because I think I’m getting a soft spot for you.

I’m going to stop there, I’m married – such a cute smile he’s got, isn’t it, Gordon, that is? You can smell his freshness – it’s like Febreeze! (I’m still trying to work on that commercial idea.)

Oh, and one other thing, Top Man and All Saints, any freebies, just contact my agent.

I’m off to the sun, and I don’t mean Gordon.

Arrivederci xxx

Front To Back, Back To Front - How Bizarre

What a gorgeous day! Look at it – the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and doesn’t it just make you want to say ‘I Love You’? It does, doesn’t it? I often feel like saying it. Actually, I’ve been saying it a lot lately. I keep meeting people, and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is ‘Oh, I Love you!’ That’s the first thing out of my mouth, but in my mind, I’m normally (well, if it’s a really cute guy), great ass, boxers or Calvins, grower or shower? Come on, we all do it!

With the girls, it’s normally, knickers or no knickers? Toupée-tape tits or falsies? It’s just the way my mind works, I can’t help it.

I don’t know whether to start at the back and work my way to the front, or start at the front and work my way to the back. By that I mean, I normally start my blogs from where I left off, but I’m going to start from today and work my way forward in going backwards, if you know what I mean. Confused? Yes, so was I, by the article in the Sun today.

How Bizarre, how Bizarre! I’ve never seen a journalist, in my very short time in this media whirlwind, who has been backward in coming forward, and took notice of what anyone would say about speaking to somebody. And that’s what I am nowadays, somebody that everybody wants to speak to, apparently; and somebody that everyone did speak to, with no problems at all, at the lastminute.com party where they launched my ad. So, I think, just be smart about it – do you like that, the play on words? It’s nearly as good as Bananas and Pineapples, isn’t it? My point is, Gordon, I would never have a problem speaking to someone as cute as you. So, whatever anyone says, for me, when you look as good as you do, cute as a button, all I would say is, we can talk anytime, darling! Oh, and sorry, for any of you who don’t know what’s going on, just coming in the middle of our little lovers’ tiff, this is it.

So this is today, and today is Friday, 21st May. Thursday, 20th May – remember, I’m working backwards - Emma and I had a little night out, and ended up at Chinawhite, where we had a lovely little dance or two, and before that we had burger and chips at the Ivy Club, bloody lovely. We had a good old chinwag about everything that’s been going on and is going on.

You know what; I’m confusing myself with this going forward and going back! I’ve got to do my Reveal voiceover at 11am, and it’s already 10.30am. So I’m going to go back to the front, and work my way back to where we are now, if you get me. Breathe.

Friday, 14th, I had a lovely photoshoot at image1st with Laura. We did single shots, and then we did some shots together. I needed to some new pics - I’m loving the wink, but it’s been everywhere now, I’m getting a little bit bored of of it, aren’t you? Here’s one of the pics, just me having fun again.

It’s a variation on my pussy, but without the lycra and the towel. I know my pussy looks a bit pissed off, but I’m just having a little hissssssssss. Sorry, those s’s don’t need to be there, but as you know, my s’s do get sssssstuck.

Straight after the photoshoot, honestly, not time to fart, I went off to Google – and I don’t mean online. I mean THE offices – they’re in Victoria, very nice, very, very nice. What was I doing there, you ask? Well, I don’t know if I told you before, I went and met eight of their specialists who told me all about analytics and my demographics, and all those things that they talk about, those wonderfully intelligent, and may I add, young and sexy people at Google. This was my second visit, to say hello to everybody. Obviously I said more than hello; they rolled out a red carpet, and I gave them a show!

I was all over them, and I mean all over them. They put on a little talent show which I had to judge. There were questions and answers (I think I gave them a bit more than they needed to know) – it did get a little x-rated to tell you the truth, but I couldn’t help myself.

But it was worth it, they gave me a free Nexus One phone, which is faster than Usain Bolt on getting online and anything else you want to get on and off - It’s amazing. And, on leaving, for some reason I was very popular with the boys again; they all wanted to get their arms around me and get a quick snap. Never one to miss an opportunity, I had a quick little grope myself – something for the wank bank.

Anyway, moving on, I got in the cab from Google and straight off to the O2 to watch Westlife, in Sky’s corporate box. And, yes, it was my first time in one of Sky’s corporate boxes. I got where I am on my talent, not by filling my box, or anyone else’s. It was a very pleasant evening, lovely wholesome boys. And Carly - I don’t know if any of you have met Carly, she was in the show a few times - she works in the offices upstairs; gorgeous thing. Well, she’s a big fan of the boys - she had a ball, I had to peel her off the seat.

Not much happened at the weekend; well, actually, a lot did happen, but it was all body maintenance - manicure, pedicure, haircut, dye lashes, waxed ear hair. I know it’s unglamorous, but hey, after forty, hair starts to sprout from every orifice. It was all that kind of thing, you know. And if you don’t, you will!

Tuesday 18th, that’s where we are now – Shooting Stars! Coo coo, coo coo! I was on Jack Dee’s team with Paloma Faith, whom I love. I told you, didn’t I, I keep saying ‘I love’ when I meet people, but she is real good fun with a great sense of humour and doesn’t take herself too seriously.




Jack Dee had a face like a smacked arse, but a very charming smacked arse, and a really nice man. Reeves and Mortimer were great, and on Ulrika’s team there was James May from Top Gear, and James Buckley from In Betweeners. I’m not going to go on about them because they won. I did end up spreading my legs on Reeves and Mortimer’s desk and rolling onto their laps. I know, but I just can’t stop myself.




And now it’s Friday, and you know what happened on Wednesday and Thursday, because I started back to front, and now we’re front to back. I’m just going to see if my speedos still fit, as it’s going to be a hot weekend. If not, a g-string will do.

Love you and leave you. Don’t believe the hype. I don’t!

Louie xxxx

Forty One and Fabulous!

And why wouldn't it be? The sun is out, the daffodils are blooming, and I feel more radiant than ever! And why? Because I'm worth it! Move over Cheryl - if L'Oréal can have a Geordie, babe, they can have a poof with a lisp! If anyone from L'Oréal is reading, feel free to get in touch, I look great with a weave too!

No, but really, what a glorious day I have woken up to! My life is already perfect, as I tweeted last night - what more do you want? Health, happiness, and someone who loves you - I've got it all. But I suppose there's always more, isn't there? There's Kylie and her retweets to me, "Plus high kicks to die for!! hahaaa!!" Sorry, did I mention Kylie again? I must not stop doing that!

So, what am I doing on my special day, I hear you all asking? Well, it's work, work, work! I'm here at the studios 'til 12, then off to Grazia magazine to go through a few bits that we're doing together - I'll let you know when it's out. It's bound to be fabulous, isn't it? I mean, really! Then off to lunch at The Ivy with Debbie Moore, OBE - it's going to be burger and chips for me all the way. After, a bit of shopping, then deciding where I'm going on holiday - it's going to be lastminute.com for me, they always seem to have something great on offer.

I'm loving you and leaving you - I know this is a short blog, but Interflora have never had such a busy day! I must go and receive my boxes and bouquets, and honestly some things are turning up that, well... I thought it was a totem pole! I'll leave you to work that one out, but I don't think it's something you'd be dancing around. All I've got to say is it would take your breath away!

Oh, and also, how could I forget? You all know I'm big in the Sun, don't you, the people's paper, as I mentioned in one of my previous blogs? And I did say how difficult it was to read those big papers, you know the ones I mean, like the Observer and The Guardian? Like I said, they do take up a whole carriage on the train. Well, I'm sorry, I'm backtracking and rewinding on that one. It's amazing how comfortable those big papers can get when you're in them - The Observer magazine on Sunday, and The Guardian on Monday! It really does seem that I'm reaching out to the whole nation, doesn't it?

And what is my message? Live life to the full! Love yourself, and love those who love you. And I love you all.

Happy Birthday to me!




Love Louie xxx

Sun-bloody-tastic!

Well that's it, then, isn't it? I’ve made it - I’ve hit the big time - a double page spread in the Sun! First thing this morning the phone rings, it's my mum, she says ‘Oh my God Louie, you are so bloody famous! Have you seen the Sun?’ I'm like, ‘Seen it? I bought every copy!’

You see, to us, and when I say us I mean the people of Great Britain, well, it's a bible, isn't it? I mean, from Croydon to the Costas, everyone buys the Sun, and if you say you don't, you're lying. And even if you don't buy it, we’ve all seen you suits have a quick spy on page 3 when it’s left on the train on the way home.

I mean, it makes sense, doesn't it, in modern day living? 20p for a paper, and something you can read in comfort, not like those newspapers as long as a carriage for which you need a degree in folding to turn the page.

We've all seen them, haven't we, on the train, flipping it this way, flapping it that way, bending it, in bending it out (and that’s just the paper)? I mean, really, it's unnecessary.

For those of you who haven’t tried to read one of those papers (the big ones I'm talking about, that take up a carriage), well, in fact I think they can take up your life. Because by the time you get to what they are trying to say, it's been that long-winded for them to get to the point, you forget what you started to read in the beginning. And I can guarantee you, normally it will end in some word as long as the alphabet that no one has ever heard, not even the journalist, I’m sure.

But my point is… I've made it! A double page spread in the Sun, and apart from my mum ringing me first thing this morning, my cousin Ashley on the burger van has just texted me saying all the lorry drivers are raving about my spread; they can't get enough of me. I did ask if one of them was called Dave, that’s the only lorry driver I’ve ever met.

I said, give them a burger on me, darling, I’m on me way up! I'll send you a cheque in the post.

Oh, one other thing, because I’m not meant to be blogging today, I’m meant to be rehearsing for the O2. I have told u about the O2 haven't I?

I had a fabulous evening at Celebrity Juice - I was on Fearne's team, you’ll see tonight who wins. Holly had Louis Walsh and Louise Redknapp on her team, and Fearne had the personality (me) and the comic genius Paddy McGuinness.

You see, there was a problem – what with all the Lous in the house, and I don’t mean the ones you p*** in, Keith would ask a question starting with 'Lou', and before he had a chance to finish it, I answered straight away (because I read the Sun, you see, so I knew all the answers).

I didn't give him a chance to end the name in Lou-is or Lou-ise; all I needed to hear was a Lou, and without missing a beat, 5, 6, 7, 8, I blurted out the answer, giving them a point.

Honestly, my mouth sometimes, I must learn to breathe. Or just hold my breath, it would help, I think, in these situations; or just keep my mouth shut!

And on that note, I’m shutting up and going to rehearse for the O2, which is tomorrow night. I have mentioned the O2, haven’t I? I’m not nervous about it, the O2 that is.

'Til next week!

Love you and leave you, xxx