Friday, 5 March 2010

Pump up your jam!

I’ve finished pumping up the biceps at the gym – just arrived at Pineapple. I’m having a quick download with Annika, Caleb and Laura about my goings on, so I thought I might as well kill two birds with one stone and let you all know!

I had a really funny morning at The Wright Stuff but I thought it was all going to go wrong when they said they wanted me to read something from The Guardian. I’ve never even had my chips wrapped in it, let alone read it! But my saving grace was The Sun, when the next story I had to read out was about some man who had an erection for three weeks. I didn’t need to read the story, I just thought it was unnecessary and greedy, and it’s sure to make your blood pressure drop. And that’s not good for anyone, is it? Is it?

Then things really got moving! The third story was about twelve year old boys not using condoms, so they’ve made extra small ones for them. Like any twelve to fourteen year old boy is going to ask for an extra small condom. It’s something us boys learn very quickly, when it comes to the size of your willy, we all know the average inch triples. I’m sure that many of you ladies out there have found that out and gone straight back to your bunnies!

And don’t get me sidetracked about topiary down there. For the men I mean! It’s just unnecessary – I mean, you can gain at least three inches if you trim back. Anyway, back to me, sorry, I’m sidetracking.

I really shouldn’t be talking about this kind of thing at 9.20am, when I’m off to do Angela and Friends with her nice Ikea set. There’s nothing wrong with Ikea but I must admit Habitat does last longer. It does cost a little bit more, but you do get what you pay for!

It’s like me; my personal appearance fee was, well, whatever I could get! Now look at me! Send me an Addison Lee, cheese and pickle sandwich and a packet of salt and vinegar, I’m there like lightning. Brown wholemeal bread of course!

Apparently they are doing something fashiony today with A&F (Angela and Friends, you’ve got that, haven’t you?) They took my sizes and everything over the phone. I hope they don’t try and get me anything designer, like your Gucci’s or your Prada’s.

I’m much happier in a Top Man, Zara, or Primani. I tell you why – because they fit! I find their sizes accurate, unlike your top end designers, who will say it’s a small when really it’s a medium. And you know why this is? Because those people with that kind of disposable income always get told what they want, even about their appearance, and I think it’s wrong, don’t you? You get down Top Man and I tell you what you get there. Some bloody good looking staff that you want to put on an intravenous drip!

And on that note, I’m off to Top Man!


  1. fabulous, although I prefer to call it Primada dahling ;o)

  2. haha, very random comment coming up- came into pineapple once for a workshop with Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. As I was walking through reception, I remember you staring at me (in your cat-like manner) and I was like, who the heck did he think he was!? After watching the recent shows, you're fully forgiven, and keep making my mum laugh!